I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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