Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
