the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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