Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
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You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
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this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I need a beard to bite.
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