i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
