I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Randomize
