Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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