Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
