Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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