so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
