called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
