Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
