I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
