Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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