I am puke
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
