What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
