Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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