Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
