I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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