Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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