Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience