Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
should my penis look like a turkey
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.