i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
