His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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