sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
