you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
