Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
everyone is single if you try hard enough
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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