who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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