I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Randomize
