I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
