i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
