you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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