I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
