I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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