I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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