I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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