guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
