i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
