So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
