I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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