My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
