If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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