my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
