Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
