I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
there's paper in my vomit.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
