i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
