Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
