Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
