its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
