I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
