he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I want to be your penis for a week.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
