so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
