Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
