I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
