He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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