You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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