im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
