I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
