Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
