You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
