News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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